Satan: Hey, I was a little surprised to hear from you, come on in.

Mindy: Surprised-good, or surprised-bad?

Satan: <laughs> Well…I mean, good for me. What brings you to my neck of the woods?

Mindy: Really? You’re going for a down-home-my-neck-of-the -woods-aw-shucks-ma’am-I’m-just-a-simple-demon vibe?

Satan: Just trying to make you comfortable, Jeez, touchy… but why are you here? I mean, last year around this time, you were all, ‘Warriors of Light, we will not succumb to the Minions of Darkness,” like a true believer.

Mindy: Yeah, well…we did Everest today. It broke me.

Satan: <sucks air through his teeth, sympathetically> Ouch, yikes. That’s a tough one.

Mindy: I mean, what the hell, man? We just keep going and going… AND going and going. Finding new ways to torture us, and did you see that Hell Week workout list?

Satan: Yeah, I sort of had some influence over that this year… good times.

Mindy: That’s some kind of bullsh—

Satan: Hey, easy with the language, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Mindy: Not since she died.

Satan: She says hi, by the way.

Mindy: Very funny. So what’s the deal, I get souls for you, how does it work? I know some baby mamas, do you want some first-borns?

Satan: We don’t take babies, they create too much chaos all on their own. Might as well leave them on Earth and slowly drive their parents mad. 

Mindy: Okay. Wow, so you already have things in place on Earth to help push people toward the brink of Hell. That makes me curious about something else I’ve wondered …

Satan: Yes, I did create the Orangtheory app. I’m very proud.

Mindy: Wow.

Satan: I know, right?

Mindy: Back to business then. What has to happen? Do I get people to sign something, or what? How does this work?

Satan: No paperwork, just have them say,” I surrender my soul to the daughter of darkness.”

Mindy: Ugh.

Satan: What?

Mindy: That sounds so… patriarchal.

Satan: What makes you think I’m a man? 

Mindy: Sorry, fair point. Can’t it be something…simpler?

Satan: Like what? You want them to surrender their souls by saying…? 

Mindy: Skinny Mocha.

Satan: No, no, that’s not going to work. People would be accidentally surrendering their souls all day long…

Mindy: Well, if they’re drinking skinny mochas, then maybe they should.

Satan: I don’t want accidental booty souls…they have to want it. 

Mindy: Fine. Can’t they just say, “I surrender my soul to Mindy”?

Satan: ‘Mindy’ is sort of missing the gravitas of the moment.

Mindy: That’s been true my whole life…but then you’ll know their MY souls and not some other random soul harvester. I want proper credit. 

Satan: What do you want for this anyway? Wealth? Beauty? Romance? Super long life? 

Mindy: Can we step up the light rail construction schedule, so Northgate is done sooner?

Satan: You might not be in the right headspace for this right now, let’s put a pin in that…

Mindy: Okay, well, I’ve got my marching orders. Skinny Mocha, bitches!

Satan: NO!

Mindy: I just wanted to make sure you were listening.

Satan: I am going to regret this, aren’t I?

Mindy: Everyone always does.