Mindy: Hey there.
Satan: Back so soon?
Mindy: International Burpee Day.
Satan: The day after Everest? That’s extreme.
Mindy: Tell me about it.
Satan: Soooo… rest day tomorrow?
Mindy: Yep. Question … I thought since, you know, I’m part of the team now…
Satan: You want something.
Mindy: I, uh, was hoping you could give me ‘advance intel’ on the Hell Week classes?
Satan: Won’t that ruin the surprise?
Mindy: I feel like I can be a more effective team member, you know, get more souls, if I’m NOT surprised.
Satan: Why don’t you tell me what you think is going to happen, and I’ll tell you how close you are.
Mindy: Okay, um… well the 24th is Pulse. I’m going to say there will be a lot of pulsating squats.
Satan: Sounds logical. Are you SURE the classes were listed in order?
Mindy: Oh! So…Pulse isn’t the first class?
Mindy: You suck.
Satan: I really do.
Mindy: I mean, the movies names tell us nothing… Pulse was WiFi demon; Split was personality disorder/meta human; Crawl was alligator hurricane; Us was psycho doppelgängers; Misery was abusive super fan; Psycho was homicidal mama’s boy; and Poltergeist was demonic Indian burial ground with scary clown dolls.
Satan: That sums it up nicely. Although interesting that you’re giving equal weight to the entire Indian burial ground versus a scary clown doll… we’re going to circle back to that at some point.
Mindy: Whatever. So, are you going to help me out here?
Satan: If you guess right, I’ll confirm it.
Mindy: Guess the ENTIRE workout?!
Satan: It could happen, you’ve done a few now…
Mindy: You’re not really being all that helpful.
Satan: Not really trying to be.
Mindy: Okay then, new topic…this soul harvesting…a little harder than I thought.
Satan: Tell me about it.
Mindy: I was trying to get a head start…you know, before Hell Week?
Mindy: Are there multiple soul harvesters in my territory?
Satan: Maybe you shouldn’t think of it as ‘your’ territory…
Mindy: So there are.
Satan: Did you think everyone working for me last year just disappeared?
Mindy: OTF Coaches–?
Satan: Well, DUH.
Mindy: I feel like they might have a competitive advantage over me.
Satan: They do. They’re all way hotter than you.
Mindy: I was going to say they have the competitive advantage of constant proximity to the souls, but okay, ouch.
Satan: I’m a straight shooter.
Satan: But you know, you’ve got something…. you’re like the Rudy of Orangetheory.
Mindy: That makes me feel the opposite of better.
Satan: It’s something. Make it work for you.
Mindy: So I’m like a persistent Hobbit, that’s my competitive advantage?
Satan: Don’t underestimate the power of persistence. And pity.
Mindy: Worst pep talk ever.
Satan: Is that what this was?
Mindy: I guess not.