Mindy: Hi, I’m back– 

Satan: Oh, uh, hello! Hi…I, uh, wasn’t expecting you. The workout wasn’t particularly awful today… 

Mindy: We can agree to disagree on that. Ab Roller Push Up to Knee Tuck? Have you met me?! 

Satan: You’re not going to mention the other thing you did? 

Mindy: We shall not speak of it. And…I sort of liked it… 

Satan: Huh, maybe you DO belong here… 

Mindy: So you weren’t expecting me, does that mean that baby goat in a onesie standing on your desk isn’t for me? 

Satan: No! He’s mine…I mean, he’s mine temporarily… I’m watching him for someone. Someone else. Not me. 



Mindy: You’re being weird about your goat. 

Satan: I’m watching him for someone else. Just for a few hours.

Mindy: At least get him off the desk… 

Satan: Sure <puts baby goat on ground>. What can I do for you? 

Mindy: I had a great idea. 

Satan: <sigh> Yes, I’m sure that a brand-new soul harvester such as yourself will have thought of something brilliant than has never occurred to anyone else the past millennium… 

Mindy: Sarcasm? 

Satan: Of course not! 

Mindy: More sarcasm? 

Satan: We could be here all day, what’s this great idea? 

Mindy: I was thinking, we have good market penetration here in Seattle. We should expand the territory. 

Satan: You know I’m worldwide, right? 

Mindy: Sure, of course, but maybe you’re not getting the same leverage in all areas. Maybe you could be doing better some places. 

Satan: Where are you thinking? 

Mindy: Canada. 

Satan: Yeah, Canada’s a stumper… they’re so polite and happy up there, it’s hard to recruit minions… you’re not wrong, Canadian recruitment is way down. 

Mindy: You could send me there. Make me Canadian. 

Satan: Why would I have to make you Canadian to send you there? 

Mindy: Uh…immigration? 

Satan: Making you Canadian defeats the purpose, because then you’d be as nice and as well-balanced as the rest of them. 

Mindy: Would I, though? 

Satan: I can’t take the risk. Weird is really the only thing you have going for you as a soul harvester. 

Mindy: What happened to persistence and pity? 

Satan: Oh yeah! And your Hobbit feet. 

Mindy: Wait…what? That wasn’t the Hobbit-y thing about me. You … you think I have Hobbit FEET? 

Satan: No, of course not, I was just kidding. But sorry, I can’t divert resources from the Seattle area in October, this is our busy season. Canada is a no-go for now. 

Mindy: Fine, I understand… any tips on the Hell Week workouts? Throw me a bone here… 

Satan: Okay. The Split workouts aren’t based on M. Night Shyamalan’s movie Split…they are based on the IT movies. 

Mindy: What?? Then why are they named Split?! 

Satan: Not my call. 

Mindy: How can you base workouts on a movie about a paranormal sewer clown? 

Satan: How does ANY horror movie relate to working out? I don’t think you want to start pulling on that thread very hard.

Mindy: True. Okay, I guess I’ll see myself out … 

Satan: By the way, could we keep the baby goat thing just between us?

Mindy: You think I’m going to tell someone that I met with Satan, who had a baby goat in a onesie on his desk … and you think the ‘baby goat’ part of that sentence is going to be the thing that gives someone pause? 

Satan: Huh. Valid.